Hiatus, OCD and Taking Back Control

Hello!

Long time no write.

If  you see my archive, the last published post was on Nov 2017, and I do have some piling up drafts that I was intending to publish, but never got through because life happens, especially some big hiccups around end of last year.

You see, I've been getting suicidal intrusive thoughts starting in August and a full blown anxiety related issue in October. I know I wasn't depressed, I was and still blessed with financial stability, and great support system from my loved ones. The thoughts popped up everyday, and drove me into a great abyss of fear. Fear that I am going to kill myself one day and fear that I am going crazy. Your mind is really powerful, so no matter how ridiculous it sounds, you'll get convinced by yourself when you keep thinking about the same thing. (Note that I wasn't intentionally thinking, but once it cross my mind, it's harder for me to shake the thoughts off and it's a vicious cycle).

By November, it quieted down, and I am convinced that I am well. But by December, with the suicide news of Kim Jonghyun of Shinee, it's back, even stronger than before (I wasn't a big fan, but the news sparked discussions that sent my mind into a spiral). I am having emotional episodes, intense fear that choke my breath out whenever I'm waiting for a train and I can't - and still can't- sleep properly. I finally went into UMMC to get help, and after 2 weeks, diagnosed with Suicidal OCD - I have no apparent compulsions therefore it's also known as Pure-O, but my compulsions are checking and rumination, I need to think about it and check that it is truly just OCD and I am not really trying to kill myself.

I did tell few of my friends, but I didn't tell my family except one of my sisters. It's really not something that I want people to know because the very mention of suicide made people think that I am trying to end my life, which in turn give me anxiety. I am now on medication, and trying to improve myself with better outlook in life - and also trying all remedies for better sleep. I still can't drive, and I do think taking trains are safer, but baby steps and I'll be there. I understand that not everyone can understand what am I going through, so it's okay. I'm just going to be better for myself. The monster is there, and it might still lurk behind but I'm going to be braver.

I will slowly update my journey (both skincare and random life journey) again, so here's for a brighter future.

To learn more about suicidal OCD (or S-OCD for short) visit: https://www.intrusivethoughts.org/ocd-symptoms/suicidal-ocd/

Cheers!
Fateen

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